Unwell
by EK
Summary: Onsehot. Taken from the Matchbox 20 song. Ravings on insanity, phantom sisters and windy nights.


This idea has been brewing for quite a while, for about as long as the song has been around, but I wasn't sure how to fix it. I mean, come on, this song was MADE for the snow prince. I keep wondering why Midori hasn't taken a hand to it; she likes Matchbox 20 more than I do.  ^^  I hope you like it.  

"Unwell" by Matchbox 20.  

…………………………

When the dojo is quiet----and Kami-sama knows, how rarely that happens----I remember those long days I spent in an island. Days at the height of the insanity, at the culmination of a terrible revenge. Days I was separated from Kenshin.  I see him now, happily sweeping the yard, and I am grateful that those days are long behind us.  But when the dojo is quiet, I remember that house on an island, still and stolid as it is owner, and I remember the days of terror that brought me and Kenshin closer together.  

Those days were torture, not because of what he did to me. Truth be told, he did not do anything to me, aside from take away my clothes—let's not go there. Those days were torture to me, because I did not know what was happening in Tokyo. How was everybody? Did Misao and Aoshi get to Tokyo? Was Sano alright? Yahiko? Megumi?………..Kenshin? 

I remember one long conversation we had, he and I, one starry evening. His right arm was in a sling, his purple spectacles low on his nose, his Chinese jacket and purple shawl blowing in the night breeze.  As I had nothing else to wear except that nice terry bathrobe, I had taken the blanket in the bedroom and wrapped it around me. 

It wasn't even a conversation. It was a soliloquy, and I was the unwitting audience in a long monologue.  

"Your name is----" he started, as he looked through the terrace, far into the sea. 

"Kamiya.  Kamiya Kaoru." 

"Ah, so I have been told."  He did not bother to face me. "I still do not understand why Battousai chose you to replace nee-san."   

"I am not replacing anybody!" I protested.  

He smirked at this, but did not reply, for a long time. 

I silently watched his snowy hair fly every which way as the wind picked up.  From the back, he was confident, even arrogant. He stood with grace and refinement, a man used to the finer things in life. Not beneath knowing the lesser things, but, somehow, trying to forget that he knew.  

He suddenly turned and faced me. 

It was odd. I did not see the mafia boss who had orchestrated such horrors on Tokyo. I did not even see the distraught brother-in-law who wanted Kenshin's life.  

I saw a disturbed, frustrated, confused young man.  

He began to speak, as if to himself, more than to me. Maybe he saw her sister in me. Maybe he saw the object of his hatred. I did not know. But I listened. 

"Nee-san, she liked the evenings better than the days," he began. "The evenings were calm, cool, and quiet, much like her. Nights like this, Kamiya, are nights when I forget about myself, and what I have become, and just think of her. "All day staring at the ceiling 

_Making friends with shadows on my wall_

_All night hearing voices telling me_

_That I should get some sleep_

_Because tomorrow might be good for something_

"My nee-san has been coming more often, smiling as always. I am finally THIS close to having Battousai repay his debts to me, to my sister, to countless others! I have sent him to a place in the heart I have known for so long, and I am sure that he will not come back from it! Tomorrow, my revenge is complete!" 

"You don't know Kenshin like I do!" I tossed my head at him.  "He has a spirit that cannot be taken just because of you!"  

But he was not listening to me. He looked beyond me, beyond the house.   "Nee-san," he abruptly said. "Is that you? And is that a frown I see? It can't be………can it?

_"Hold on_

_Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown_

_And I don't know why"_

He appeared lost, scared, anxious, of a phantom before him. He shook his head, regained composure, and brushed away the ghost from his presence. He smirked, turned the chair to face me, and sat in it.  He talked to me again.   

_"But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell_

_I know right now you can't tell"_

I raised an eyebrow. Who won't think that this snowhaired man was just a little over the edge? 

_"But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see_

_A different side of me"_

Like I had a choice? Sharks in the ocean, guarded house, no boats out of the island……..

_"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired_

_I know right now you don't care_

_But soon enough you're gonna think of me_

_And how I used to be……me"_

How can I NOT think of you as other than a menace to society, a psychopath, a maniac? You created hell on earth for Kenshin! As if he had not lived in a hell of his own for years! 

He chuckled, admiring the annoyed expression on my face. "I've had that look from others before. Many times, even back in Shanghai. It's a waste of time to make people understand. I do not bother refuting those who think I'm insane. 

_"I'm talking to myself in public_

_Dodging glances on the train_

"I cannot possibly explain to all the passengers that I WAS talking to somebody, talking to nee-san. And even if I did, who would believe me? Only Battousai, and I will not have his opinion of my nee-san.  

_"And I know_

_I know they've all been talking about me_

_I can hear them whisper_

_And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me" _

Yes, there is something wrong with you! First, you're too obsessed with your sister. Second, you're too obsessed with Kenshin when he has done nothing to you……… But I did not say all that out loud. I valued my life. I had to stay alive for Kenshin! 

_"Out of all the hours thinking _

_Somehow I've lost my mind_

"But I have not lost my mind completely yet. I am still perfectly in control of myself. Everything had gone according to plan. Someone who is insane cannot possibly create a strategic operation as I had done! Call me obsessive. But I am not insane."   

He brushed his unruly hair with his left hand, and smiled that sinister smile of his.  

_"But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell_

_I know right now you can't tell_

_But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see_

_A different side of me_

_I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired_

_I know right now you don't care_

_But soon enough you're gonna think of me_

_And how I used to be……me"_

But the smile began to falter. Maybe he saw his phantoms again. Maybe he saw what I knew to be so, that Kenshin was not going to lose to him. In any case, he began to ramble incoherent words, and he began to panic within himself.  

_"I've been talking in my sleep_

_Pretty soon they'll come to get me_

_Yeah, they're taking me away"_

Who was going to take him away? Police? But he was not the kind to be scared of policemen, so why was he so concerned all of a sudden? "Nee-san………why are you sad at me? I've done everything you wanted!" His face paled, as looked far beyond into the night sky, at a nee-san I never actually see.  

But he smiled after five minutes of silence.  "So, I was wrong, nee-san, thank goodness. You DO smile for me!"  

He looked at me again, and repeated in triumph: 

_"But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell_

_I know right now you can't tell_

_But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see_

_A different side of me_

_I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired_

_I know right now you don't care_

_But soon enough you're gonna think of me_

_And how I used to be…_

_Yeah, how I used to be, how I used to be_

_Well, I'm just a little unwell_

_How I used to be, how I used to be………"_

He continued muttering so, until his eyes closed, his disturbed thoughts and the evening breeze lulling him to sleep in the terrace.  

I was not sure what I felt. Why should I pity the man who brought such pain to Kenshin?  Because he was in pain himself?  And this was his way, odd and demented as it may appear, of easing the pain?   

Beyond the cool exterior, beyond the powerful smuggler and terrifyingly skilled fighter, there was just a little boy.  Crying for attention.  Looking for answers.  

He was not crazy. Just a little unwell.  

I took the blanket off my shoulders and walked to where he sat and slept. I quietly wrapped the blanket around his own shoulders.  Enemy or not, he had a right to a good night's rest from phantoms and troubles.  I then walked back inside the house, and to the room he provided for me there.  

But Kenshin has finished the sweeping, and he is waving an anxious hand between my eyes.  I smile, and the dreams of disturbing nights are brushed away. Soon the dojo will no longer be quiet. Yahiko and Sanosuke would be coming around for dinner. All is back to normal in my life. I see in Kenshin's smile, the answer to my sad remembrances.  The days of terror are behind us, and they will never come back.  

I am not sure where he is right now.  Somewhere in Tokyo, somewhere in Kyoto, I do not know.  Wherever he is, may he someday find the peace in life he so desperately seeks.  The peace Kenshin has found for his own.   

………………………

Enishi isn't insane, but he IS a psychopath, according to medical definitions.  ^^  He suffered from delusions (believing misinterpreted information) and hallucinations (sensing things that aren't really there). 

The E/K movement has no problem with me, but I still prefer the canon match.  Kenshin was made to be with Kaoru.  That's why I frequently pair Enishi with Misao.  ^^   Thank you for reading.  


End file.
